So this is that journal entry I was thinking of writing just random thoughts in. Problem is the best person to crack these kinds of things likes to pretend I don't exsist, that's cool though.

...Busted Body, Busted Heart. Fatal end, illusioned start...

I say one thing one moment and the next, it contradicts itself. I have an idea what things are in life and then it gets rubbed in my face that I missed something.

I'm tired, so very tired.

I just don't want to wake up anymore in the morning. I just want to go to sleep and win the lottery of my afterlife. But then again, it'll probably be a disappointment to learn that that light at the end of the tunnel is really a 60 watt bulb.

Seriously, it'll be like an angelic easy bake oven.

Ah Christ. I thought that things got different when you got older, not depressing difficult! I tried to find some metaphorical false idol to worship but that failed me to.

I tried smoking, didn't work.

I tried cutting, can't do that anymore.

I tried drinking, but I hate the taste.

I tried music, it reminds me of something I can never be.

I tired saving lives, but in the end, it only ever shortens my own.

I tried drawing and photography, but I'm far to crappy at any mediums to keep pursuing.

People tell me it's because I concentrate on the bad stuff that that's the reason I'm depressed when in fact, it's quite the opposite. I think of the happy times and realize that I'm never going to be able to recreate the hope I once had.

I died a while back and this is just some undead version of me that I've been parading around as flesh and bone.

This morning, I packed my bags and almost left everything here. Don't anyone tell me it was a stupid idea, I know it was... I have to many outstanding debts and responsibilities to leave now. But none-the-less, I had all my bags packed and I was just about to head out.

What stopped me?

I realized Taylor's stuff was in the car and I would have to move it. With the current condition my hand was in, I really wasn't up for it so I figured it was a good idea to not go ahead with this idea.

Considering everything, I figure that's my Emergency Exit plan. I almost used it today, but I didn't.

The problem is when people get to know me and know what I've done, they want to help because the people I do choose to tell the whole story to are very good people. Problem is, the can't help.

I can't be fixed kids, sorry.

I have been shot, stabbed, beat up, tortured (to a lesser degree) and left for dead.

I have stood up to monsters I can not even begin to fathom existing in this world and I've won.

I have saved a total of over 15 lives to one degree or another and lost 2 in the process, one metaphorically and one physically.

I have done all this and more with no one for help or support because it only makes things more difficult for said people.

I have done all these for reasons that are even mysterious to me.








Why the hell can't I solve me? Some might say it would be my turn to let someone else do it, while the problem is, I'm stubborn and tired.

To many people have tried and failed. People say they want to help but that's all people do, say.

Please give me a solution or don't say anything and let me fall away.

It'll be better for you that way.





I'll probably regret writing this one day. Meh, I needed to vent.